For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
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