dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
