Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
