my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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