i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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