i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
