I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
