He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
