YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
foreskin is a definite game changer
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
