haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
