Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
