he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
