Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
