Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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