I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i wish my penis had a tongue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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