Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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