It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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