I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
