She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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