I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
