Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
