Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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