tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
