Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
