Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Randomize
