We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
