Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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