This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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