Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
And then my night got REAL pukey
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
