I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize