if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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