how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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