The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
