just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
