I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
