She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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