I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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