dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
