Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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