All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
