I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
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