somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
