im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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