I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
