If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
