I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
