Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
