Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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