and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
