I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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