I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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