im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
