I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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