I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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