so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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