it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
