I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
