I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
