Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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