You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
