Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
