and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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