I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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