I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
