omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
